oh.dear.jesus.
i think i just might be sick.

The first, foremost, and main side affect is the intense lack of braincells within the anatomical structure of any and every male’s head. Seriously gentleman, how difficult is it for you to identify if you have feelings for someone or not? You either do … or you don’t. The concept isn’t much harder to understand than black and white, spaghetti and meatballs, or Captain and coke.

Take note, guys – “I love you, but…” is NEVER an acceptable thing to say to a woman (unless of course, she is a prostitute and you’ve already slipped a fifty into the waistband of her three day dirty thong).

I’ve been experiencing much hostility toward everything with a third leg and have recently come up with a mental list as to why they suck:
1) MENopause … MENstration.
2) Male pattern baldness – enough said.
3) They consider unhooking a woman’s bra with one hand a true talent. Puh-lease. Take up fire breathing and I might be impressed.
4) They are all looking for a “cute, nice, and funny” girl. Coincidentally, they also want her to look like Jessica Alba and have the libido of a dog in heat.
5) They are overly and undeservedly self-assured … at least your cucumber will never need a round of applause.

Plain and simple … men are like laxatives. They’re irritate the shit out of you.

Until next time =)

 I would like you, as the reader, to get to know a little bit about me now that we’ve begun a lifelong friendship. Therefore, I  have made the concious decision to compile a “hate list” – of all the shit that really pisses me off – so that you can get a little feel for who I am.

Well, here goes:

1. I really hate “girl who jogs around campus wearing practically nothing”. I realize you’re better looking then me and have an awesome body. Ok, it’s fine you get way more sex than me, but the last thing I need when I wake up on Thursday morning with a hangover and a stomachache from a drunken eating binge is to see your “better than ass” jogging right infront of me. I swear to God, if you keep it up the next time you come jogging by me in your adidas shorts and bronzed body, you’re getting a branch in the back of your head. Watch out asshole.

2. Girls who look like their brothers. And boys who have haircuts like lesbians.

3. Kevin Federline. He is the poster boy for white trash. All he needs is a trailor and a car on blocks and a mini-grill in his front yard. Perhaps a plastic flamingo, or two.

4. People who make up bullshit facts in order to sound clever and somehow prove that their incorrect point is correct. Just admit that you were wrong, you fucktard.

5. People who play music from their cellphones with out using headphones. I honestly love hearing 50 Cent in Mp2 quality … not.

6. The milkshake song by Kelis. I put a milkshake in the front yard about a week ago and it’s definately not bringing all the boys to the yard. I’m really considering suing Kelis for lying to me.

7.The Sims. Holy shit dont even get me started. I hate this game. First of all, who wants to tell a fully grown adult when to go take a shit and when to throw stuff in the trash? Not I. Maybe they should have reserved that feature for “The Sims: Nursing Home”. And the people dont have sex or anything, they just kiss really hard and then a baby pops up in the living room. Obviously, some game designer has never had sex before. Oh wait, it’s highly probable that none of them have.

8. When you answer your phone, and the caller says “This is not a sales call”, chances are that 100 out of 100 times it is INDEED a motherfucking sales call. It’s very similar to the rule regarding anything that comes out of George Bush’s fucking lips. For instance: “This was not a political decision” means “Of course this was a political decision.” I’m not mentally retarded, I know whats going on here.

9. When the lady at the salon says “I know, I know, I know” when I tell her how I want my hair cut. In the end I realize she indeed didn’t give a flying fuck what I really wanted … because I end up looking like Elton John.

10. Rappers who say so much of the same shit. Male rappers: “I have hos, cristal, and thongs dropping all over the place. Suck it right.”  Female rappers: “Your girl can’t do it like I can. I’m so hot I reject guys left and right. Lick me right.” Frankly, my hip-hop brethren, these rhymes are so god damn tired and old that when I hear them, I just want to take a nap in a fucking rocking chair with a piece of straw in my mouth. Please, I beg of you. Give me something new. Perhaps, tell me your business plan. Shit, tell me your favorite breakfast restaurant. Tell me something!!!!

11. That stupid Josh Groban song, “You Raise Me Up,” which every aspiring singer on TV apparently must try to reproduce. This is like me trying out for a cooking show and making an entire meal around Spam.

 Ok – so that is a breif  synopsis of a small fraction of the things I despise in this world. The list could go on for days (don’t shit your pants. it’s an exciting thought, I know) but I have poeple to go see and victimize.

In the mean time, feel free to let me know what really irks you. In fact … I encourage it!

Until next time =)